Dear Neighbor

Dear Neighbor,
The one who left a bag of doggiedoo on the sidewalk right in front of my house, yeah, you.
I am not responsible for picking that up just because it's on my strip of sidewalk.
You are crazy if you think they make those dog bags for you to bag it up for your neighbor to pick up after you. You have hands, carry that shit.
Please kindly come back here and pick up your friggin dog poo or I will find you, follow you to your house, and ever so neighborly, place it upon your doorstep.
Thanks,
Me

Something you don't hear everyday

Last night at dinner, at The Iberian Pig, in Decatur, which was amazing, btw, one of the servers there said to us as she brought out a round of tapas, "Enjoy the food, and your time together," which I thought was one of the coolest things I'd heard in awhile. One little phrase, and it made me pause and contemplate for one moment how lovely it truly was to be sharing time and a leisurely meal with some great friends. And that, in itself, was a gift as great as the delicious food. :)

Shoot me in the face...

...and put me out of my misery, why don't you? is going to be the new title of my thesis.

Thoughts?

Daddy's girl

Dad blew up his dirtbike last week. (the big one, yes, he has two.) Apparently, mud+engine+bad oil+big hill=blown engine)

Anyway, I say to Dad, the weekend is supposed to be beautiful, are you gonna go ride?

He looks at me, deadpan.

When I said, why don't you just take out the little bike, he laughed and said what little bike, and I said, your 250, of course, which is when he started grinning like the cheshire cat.

What, I ask, is so funny?

Nothing, he replies, I'm just so proud of you that you know the little bike is a 250.

LOL

So, that's what it takes to prove yourself around here.

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover

I've been cranky this week. Rather, I've been having extra bitchy thoughts.

But I actually feel pretty happy. How can I be in a great mood but think such mean things about people? Well, I don't know, welcome to the mystery that is me.

For example, I noticed that Benicio Del Toro's eyelids look like ballsack skin. (gross, but true)

and that while everybody was loving Elizabeth Moss's green dress on the Golden Globe red carpet, I kept thinking about how she still looks a little like the burn victim she played in Girl, Interrupted.

Sometimes I gag when smelly patients come in my office, and I try to have as little contact with them as humanly possible. I know, I'm awful.

I wanted to pour mothballs in the gas tank of a truck that cut me off in the parking lot of a gas station just to pull into the only vacant pump, and then he didn't get gas, just walked in to get a soda and came back to his stupid truck and drove off while I sat behind him waiting to get gas.

That, and I discovered http://twitter.com/#!/whitegrlproblem who is soooo much bitchier than I am. Nonetheless, I feel awful when I agree with her.

1-12-11

Ack - Cabin Fever!

Captain's Log: (don't worry, I'm thinking this with a deeply furrowed brow and deep voice with serious tone)

January 12, 2011. 3:34 pm.

We've been snowed in for 3 days.

We are out of eggs (no french toast to be had) and more importantly, Doritos.

Frank the Tank has been running around in circles for 2 days, refusing to step foot on the skating rink that is our back patio.

Below freezing temperatures continue to turn melted snow into ice on the roads, making them impassable. At the office, work is piling up, and here at home, we are running drastically low on Monk DVDs. I fear at this rate, we will have watched the entire series in a week.

Please send beer and a beach vacation.